Sunday, July 11, 2010

Kids are Just Miniature Drunk Adults

As I was strolling through the extensive gardens here at the Fortress of Solitude, plucking withered leaves from my prized peony flowers, I began to wonder. Is our belief in a hereafter the mind's attempt to deal with the finite nature of life, are we in fact fooling ourselves, or is our desire for eternity somehow linked to the ego? Also, Pedro my Guatamalan gardner is clearly watering the plants too much. I can be a bit ADD when I'm gardening.

Speaking of gardening, I realize I may have given all nine of you the impression that I don't like children. That's not true. I love children. I'd love them to stay the hell out of my restaurant, so I don't have to wait on them. Other than that, kids are great. And that's because they're basically just miniature, drunk adults.

As I've said before, they share all the qualities of the inebriated. They're clumsy. They're impulsive. They slur their words. There may or may not be public urination (GOD! I love public urination. It makes me feel liberated, as though I'm shunning not only society's mores but also the bounds of basic, human decency). I love watching some kid stomp his way through a store, picking up and putting down his feet like he's just had a fifth of gin. Arms outstretched in front of him, ready to fall. Hell, kid, I know what you're going through. I've had those kinds of nights, too. Last night, to be precise.

In the end, what I find the most entertaining is that kids have absolutely no filter. They have no idea what's acceptable and what's not according to society's dictates. They don't know they're not supposed to stare at the guy with the giant, flaming red mohawk. Nor do they know they're not supposed to shout out "Mommy, what's wrong with that guy's hair?!" Kid, I'm right there with you. What the hell were you thinking red mohawk dude? Hell, we're all thinking it. The kid is just saying what we're all thinking. I totally think that when I have a kid (God help you all), I will encourage him or her to speak their little minds; which means I'll tell Little Daquan or Yuan Min to point and loudly yell "dude! That look died with Joey Ramone!" Because in the end, we all give kids a pass when they commit these social faux pas. So why not take advantage of it?

As I was moving through the NYC subway system carrying my bastard sword (don't ask, but it's a practice sword. Again, don't ask), kids had no problem staring at me, pointing, and laughing. And I wasn't even drunk at the time. The really savvy ones knew exactly what it was, too. "Mommy! That man has a sword!" made me smile. Becuse these kids are clearly nerds and "with it." And they didn't question why I had a sword; maybe they assumed I was going to hunt orc in the subway system (which actually, I do on Thursday nights). All the other kids would just gape and point. I call these stupid ones "future Welfare recipients."

Back to the lack of impulse control. I've seen kids insist that they would prefer the toro maki, not the california roll, and hold their breath to get it. And I'm sure I'm by no means unique. We've all seen some kid throwing a temper tantrum in a store. I just assume when a kid comes into a store that he is a tantrum waiting to happen. Sometimes, I'll bet with friends on which kid will blow first. I had one kid pay off on the trifecta at $280. Sometimes, I'll help to push them over the edge (like the time this kid wanted a Nerf gun, and his mom said "no", and he insisted on it, and she said "no", and I casually strode up and put two in my cart. Then winked at him).

Kids know what they want, and they want it now. They don't care that you don't have enough money to buy it. They don't care if it's not healthy. Kinda like me, actually. They want ice cream before dinner. They want the 12" Master Chief action figure. They want to stay up late to watch South Park. Swap out "South Park" for "porn", and I want the same things.

In fact, I'm not sure why we torture kids with this kind of stuff? Why do we try to inculcate in them a sense of responsibility and restraint? They're just going to max out their credit cards to buy a bunch of useless shit anyway. They're going to buy houses they can't afford, cars they can't afford, big screen TVs... In the end, the only reason to grow up is so we can start earning money, so we can start slavishly following our stupid impulses.

It just seems to me that kids are more honest about it. And I respect them for that. Now if you excuse me, I want to get some ice cream before dinner, and pick up the Futurama DVD set. Because I can. So nyah, nyah, nyah!

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